Prayers and Praise

Scarlett had a great day today.  The weened her CPAP pressure down to 6 and she is still doing well.

Grayson gave us an awful scare this morning.  They called it a bronchospasm.  On his ventilator monitor, I saw something that was not familiar: the line graph that shows flow had a tight group of inhale/exhale lines but all were low/below 0.  Immediately after, we saw the vent was doing all the work.  He was not breathing on his own.  But then his oxygen numbers started dipping.  Then his skin started turning a blue tint.  All of this was probably in the course of 30-60 seconds, but it felt like hours.  I believe our nurse was with her other patient when I noticed the vent screen, but she was at his bedside immediately.  My consciousness was hyper focused so I am not sure where they came from, but by the time he was getting dusky, we had another nurse there too.  And we had the practitioner over shortly after.  At some point in there, my body moved to the other side of his bed.

The medical team turned Grayson 90 degrees so his head was the closest body part to the Practioner.  She took the bag out, plugged it into the end of the tube and started squeezing.  His chest wasn't moving.  Another nurse used a stethoscope on his chest but didn't hear air moving.  The Practioner confirmed the tube was in the right spot.  She kept trying to bag.  I was glad I couldn't see the oxygen number on the monitor but wished that I wasn't looking at his grayish blue skin.  The scariest part is he wasn't moving.  In the past, he might look agitated, through his legs out, push away the hands, etc.  I was holding his feet, doing my best to calmly plead with him to breathe while he laid there, eyes closed, not moving.  I couldn't stop myself from wondering if this was it.  Was I silly for worrying about his future?

The practioioner pulled his tube out.  After extubating him, they were bagging him and getting some air into him.  They called the doctor over to let him know what was going on and make sure we were on the same plan.  The doctor wanted to personally be involved in his intubation so he could examine Grayson's airway.

The doctor told me I may want to leave because this is unpleasant to watch.  I let him know I've been around for a couple of these and I'd be ok.  He then let me know that it might be harder on him with a parent looking over his shoulder.  I get that, and wanted him to be at the top of his game so I closed the curtain and spent time with Trish and Scarlett.  As much as I wanted to believe that the doctor was there and everything would be OK, I couldn't stop questioning why my son didn't want to breathe.  Doesn't he know it's good for him?  Would this lapse in oxygenation lead to more brain damage?  What caused this and how do we prevent it?

We later learned that it is called a bronchospasm but we are still not sure what caused it.  It is probably due to the fact that he was/is premature.  His lungs aren't supposed to be breathing air yet.

This is our prayer today:
God, thank you for these miracles you have allowed us to spend the past 5 weeks with.  They are truly amazing, and we are incredibly grateful for every second with them.  But you know our hearts.  Selfishly we ask you to allow us the stewardship of these lives.  We want the opportunity to raise them in Your image and point their feet to You.  Father God, I cannot fathom the sacrifice You made for us, sending Your son to earth to die for my sins.  I know that You are loving and beg you to heal my children.  I ask for Your strength and courage for the journey ahead.  I pray that Your will be done and not mine.